trust. thank. love. give. repeat.

the past month has been chock full of adventures, so much laughter, an adequate amount of frustration, and not enough minutes of sleep.

here are a few lessons learned (- and some are reminders. sometimes, the good Lord has to tell me a few billion times before i get these things.) …

… trusting God is super easy when your bank account is full, or even increasing in amount, you’re well-rested, and you have some sort of idea what life will look like in the next few years. it’s alot different when people you love need money, hours, and things that you don’t even know how to give. i’m beginning to wonder how much trust i was actually placing in Him before this, and how much time was spent resting my head on the comfort of things and…well, comfort.
… thankfulness is, in itself, a gift. the ability to be grateful for what i have and look to the Creator of all things and show love is essential for my well-being. when i miss it, when i give up the gift, i rob myself of the little and large joys in the daily grind.
… loving sacrificially makes absolutely no sense on paper. and yet, its the only way to love truly.
… give, give, give. and then, give.
… i am constantly inspired and convicted by those amazing souls who are living lives, in jobs, in marriages, that are focused on something so big, so outlandish that it can’t be done without the Lord. i want to be a part of something that’s so amazing-glorious-insane-wonderful that if Jesus doesn’t pull through for me, it’s all over.
… watching sweet alexi struggle to spell his name and write it correctly was..painful. cheering with him, hugging and kissing him, laughing as he beamed with pride when he made it happen, at last was… worth every headache. it always is. i reckon that’s a little like how my Father sees me in all my little hangups.
… wedding planning can be stressful. especially from ten thousand miles away. or it can be an adventure that constantly reminds me how. indescribably. excited! i am that i get to spend my life living an adventure with my one true Love, and the man i get to share it with!
… my parents are still the two most patient people on the planet. they endure crazy stories, unreliable internet, and things done out of my stupidity that would cause anyone to worry. i love you mom and dad.
… God is concerned about people that we forget about. He hasn’t forgotten the man who is deaf or blind or has physical disabilities, or the women who fight due to differing faiths, He hears the cries of those left behind by their parents for one reason or another, and He is in the midst of the pain and degradation with those who are enslaved. He doesn’t want to be alone there. He desires for you and me to join Him in those places. it will never be too crowded. 
… God is good. all the time. i can hear some of my sweet little friends from kenya saying, “God is good… God is good all the time and that is His nature.” i don’t decide the circumstances of His goodness. it’s impossible for Him to be anything but good.

let me sum it up like this- i’m learning to trust. to thank. to love. to give. (not necessarily in this order…) and then to do it all over again. that’s it. His job is all the rest. mercifully so.

He gave justice and help to the poor and needy,
    and everything went well for him.
Isn’t that what it means to know me?”
    says the Lord.
+ jeremiah 22.16 

grace upon grace//engaged!

it is four in the morning. i haven’t slept since my head hit the pillow last night. i depart in a few hours from home during one of the hottest summers i’ve ever experienced to a london winter, and then to my home in tampa, to my home in nashville.

i am overwhelmed at the way my life looks this morning, as i prepare to jump into the arms of close friends and my sweet family. this life is challenging. but there is meaningful work to do. i am surrounded by community that i adore. i am seeing God working out some amazing stories. and i have promised to marry the most incredible man i have ever met.

i wish i could say it’s because he is so handsome, or i am so wonderful, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. it is simply a work of grace.

a work of grace.

i met winston ly on august 7, 2011. it was early, a sunday morning, and i had just arrived in dar es salaam. he had only arrived the morning before. we were both exhausted, jet-lagged, and wondering what on earth we had gotten ourselves into. both of us were to teach at HOPAC and volunteer with YoungLife, so we had our “orientation” to tanzania. it’s a quick learning curve, learning how to navigate dirt roads, dala dalas, and fake the ability to speak swahili. through these little new experiences, we became fast friends, and spent quite a bit of time together. within the first few months, i already admired winston’s remarkable love for his students, something that could only be a product of Christ at work in him. over time, our friendship continued to grow, and we shared desires to serve children in sala sala, and, eventually, kurasini. as we adventured throughout dar, i got to know his character more and more- this man was both carefree and compassionate, and had reverence for both the hilarious and the holy. we laughed alot together, shared stories of home, and loved on children little and big alongside one another. he began to write little notes of encouragement to me on occasion and leave them in my classroom for me to find. as the end of year one in tanzania came to a close, i was seeing my dear friend in a different light. close friends of ours asked me a few times if anything more than a friendship was developing, but i always answered with “no” to keep questions at bay.
i arrived home to nashville to find a letter from winston on my parents’ kitchen table. another letter of encouragement for me as i was transitioning from africa to america. my dad raised his eyebrow, my sister asked questions, and my mama just smiled. 
although both of us had whirlwind summers, we still made time to communicate with one another. i anticipated each phone conversation with winston, and beamed at frequent messages of encouragement from him. over time, he was becoming a person i trusted with thoughts and secrets, and a person i wanted to share each adventure with- my best friend.
after we both returned to dar, winston pursued and tried to find ways to show me that he was interested in a relationship. for my own sake, i will spare descriptions of his failed attempts, and my blindness to his sweet gestures.
but one night, he stood tall and told me how he felt about me. i was so thankful for his blunt honesty, and to be able to reciprocate these feelings. we laughed, we prayed, we smiled. alot.

fast forward to december 3, 2012. it was just another monday. i woke up, sat on my couch and spent some quality time as the sunlight streamed in, got dressed, ate my normal breakfast of papaya and mangoes, and walked to school. we took role in homeroom, walked down to our Monday morning assembly in the school gym, learned a Christmas song, listened to announcements, and then the principal said, “…and now, Mr. Ly is going to come up front…” a handsome man, my best friend, walked up to the front, dressed even better than normal. shiny brown shoes, dress shirt and tie, and sweet suspicious grin on his face. not bad for a man who had just struggle to keep noodle soup in the night before. he shared about his life in Christ, God’s pursuit of him, and His crazy love shared through others. following this, three people came forward to share about someone who, to them, shows crazy love. three young women said kind, complimentary words about me. he said a few more words, and then asked me to make my way to the front of the gym, and motioned for me to sit in a chair. He said some words, showed a powerpoint he had created of pictures and a message to me spelled out by some of our friends at kurasini. the message… “WILL YOU MARRY ME?” the next thing i knew, i had the biggest grin on my face, and tears in my eyes, as this amazing man was down on one knee with a ring in his hand! he pointed to the back of the gym, where a crowd of first, second, and third graders held up letters to spell “MARRY ME?”. i laughed and cried all at once and gave an enthusiastic yes. (to which the whole school roared and cheered… :))

it is absolutely absurd that God would give me such an incredible gift. Winston is loving and kind. he is strong and intelligent. he is patient and gentle when gentleness is needed. he is honest, yet consistently positive. he is incredibly generous. he makes me laugh, and he is an absolutely faithful friend. not to say that i am the opposite of all these things, but quite honestly, i can be a bit of a mess. can’t we all?

it’s absurd.

kind of like a baby in a manger. like a God who desires to know our pain, our joy, our intense emotions that he becomes a small, dependent little creature in the most lowly state.

it’s a work of grace. and i’m so thankful that He chose it this way.

we’re getting married, y’all!
and most importantly, Jesus is Emmanuel, God. with. us!

For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. +john 1.16

delighting wildly.

let me set the scene for you. it is ninety-five degrees outside. the sun is shining intensely. kids are running around school, eating samosas and fresh pineapple, and i am dripping with sweat as i push them on the swings…
it’s beginning to look alot like…summertime?

thanksgiving looked and felt different this year than it ever has.

we sat around a table, myself, close YoungLife family and friends, and recalled our God’s goodness and faithfulness. we remembered the ways in which He has showed us immeasurable love and drenched us in incomparable riches. so let me give you just a few examples of how He has been with me…

my dear friend, mary, and i are alive. and completely healthy. a year ago, this was hardly the case. i am so thankful for the way He has healed both of us, and taught us more about Himself such a terrifying situation. our lives were spared, and we are proof that God is a healer.

two amazingly precious boys now live with their Daddy and play and sing with their friends. they are healthy, and are doing so well in school. although mama is still nowhere to be found, the three are learning what it means to be a family. over the past year i have witnessed and been able to play a role in a story that points to the inevitable fact that God is a seeker.

a sweet boy in the congo has been given a mommy, and one of my dearest friends, erin, has been reunited with her son. while caring for me during the aftermath of the accident last year, erin shared with me the heart that she had been given to adopt. now, a year later, she will close her eyes with precious levi in her arms! her young family is another reason why i know that God is a good Father- the best one, in fact. 

i have a job in which i get to know each student at Haven of Peace Academy, teach sports and art, and learn so much about these subjects simultaneously. every day is a challenge, different, and filled with joy. i have no qualifications to set me apart, no accolades to boast in. but God is a great giver.

i never seem to run out of adventures, friends to laugh with here or ten thousand miles away, skype dates with my dad in which he describes to me a delicious meal he is planning or some cheesy joke. i have swam underneath freezing waterfalls, seen lions eating their kill, and fingerpainted with a swarm of my favorite children. i can say i’ve danced with clowns, clocked copious miles on red dirt paths and busy streets, made questionable transportation decisions late at night, and enjoyed frozen yogurt in dar (!) at midnight. i smile to think of time i’ve spent praying with mamas, threading a thread through my finger to relieve a blister, hearing the details about coffee cake/Jess and Omari’s recent move, and surviving crowded daladala rides across this city.
all this to say, there are incredible things happening all around me, and the people God is putting in my life are huge blessings to me. i am so excited for what is to come and the journey He has me on. God is a great story teller. 

i have been amazed at the stories of Paul in the book of Acts. but recently, one verse has stuck out to me. acts 19:11- “and God was doing extraordinary miracles by the hands of paul…” the great thing is that this is true for all who believe and trust in Him. God is the miracle worker.

so there you have it. i could spout out all things in great detail, but we’d be here for days…months even. but please know, the outstanding truth is this- we serve an incomparable God. He is our Healer, Seeker, Father, Giver, Story Teller, and Miracle Worker.

God is doing extraordinary miracles and giving us a front row seat, if only we open our eyes. And as He does, I am trying earnestly to delight wildly in His gifts.

na mimi pia//and me too

her name is zawadi (gift, in english).
she’s a little girl, about four years old, and more feisty than just about anyone i’ve ever met. she laughs and she hits and she cries and when she doesn’t get her way, she bites. on a random moment, though, she will stop, and sit, attempt to write letters, and repeat the word “koala” to me in a way that could crack even the hardest of hearts…

if candy is around, she will tug on your skirt, kick you a bit, and yell at you with one hand outstretched toward you, “na mimi…na mimi pia!”. (and me!…and me too!) she is persistent, this little girl, as she begs for your attention and uses her little four-year-old force, mature from two years of the pain of abandonment and sharing everything with one hundred others who are battling this same pain.

on a crowded daladala, he shares some words with me and remarks, “i dont want to just be full of His love. i want to overflow with it…” as i look back at the past two months, the gifts overflow.
i wish there were pictures to share the excitement of the sala sala girls as they run down the concrete with bare feet to play basketball and football and hear the greatest Love story. there are not nearly enough words to describe the pure joy that has come from teaching over two hundred students about how wonderfully they were made, and how blessed we are to take part in our own creations. hundreds of little (and large!) hands scattering paint on blank papers and canvas. how humbled i have been to experience a father, near tears, as he describes to his colleagues that his children had been praying to connect with a teacher..and that teacher is me. how honored i have been to encourage, laugh with, yell at, and push about thirty middle school girls on the football field. if only the joy of the laughter and the warmth of the big circle hugs could be duplicated. i could never tire of these things. friday evenings spent belting lyrics to “you don’t know you’re beautiful” with high school friends at younglife club. saturday and sunday afternoons doing nothing in particular, but doing that nothing in particular with some of His most precious masterpieces, as He reminds me they are not forgotten, they are not Fatherless, and any love i have for them comes from Him.

all i want is more. to give more. to experience more of these gifts.
the good stuff.
these days, i find myself more and more like zawadi- hands lifted to my Father, tugging at him, begging him- “and me… and me…!” knowing that what he has to give is sweet and lovely and more wonderful than any of my other desires. desperate for more laughter, more great lessons and conversations, and more importantly, more of His love to pour out. 

Thus says the Lord:
“The people who survived the sword
    found grace in the wilderness;
when Israel sought for rest,
³     the Lord appeared to him from far away.
I have loved you with an everlasting love;
    therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.

+jeremiah 31.1-3 (esv)

May God our Father and our Lord Jesus bring us to you very soon. And may the Lord make your love for one another and for all people grow and overflow, just as our love for you overflows. May he, as a result, make your hearts strong, blameless, and holy as you stand before God our Father when our Lord Jesus comes again with all his holy people. Amen.
+1 thessalonians 3:11-13 (nlt) 

little me vs. big and beautiful He

i remember when we first started paying a little extra attention to mudi and hasani on sunday afternoons. i remember erin holding another sweet little boy, me holding hasani, and the two boys giving each other this little look that said, “hey…look at us. we’re special!”
…meanwhile, another little guy, frankie, tugs my finger, and eventually bites me (and hard) to remind me, “hey, i’m important.”

sometimes i forget that i’m not so different from these little guys.

home videos tell it all though. when i was little and my grandpa was filming, i would walk all over our home with my mom’s hymnal in my hand, serenading whoever would listen at the moment. as loudly as i could. sometimes, so much so that whatever my poor baby brother wanted to say or do got washed out in loud alleluias and words unable to be comprehended. 

sometimes i forget that i am a little part of a big and beautiful story. my confession is that, all to easily, my schedule, my pride, my (fill in this blank!) rob me of seeing my sweet, small part in this grande and wonderful story.

…and then i stand in a circle with men and women working with YoungLife in eleven plus african nations, singing with joy as if they can’t bear to be quieter than a yell when they sing to the good Lord. i hear a man tell a story about endangering his family, abandoning their home, all to pursue and protect his teenage friend from painful initiation into his village tribe. i see people smiling at one another, laughing with joy unlike anything i’ve seen but here, praying with total trust.

it’s crazy, how i forget the bigger story. it’s embarrassing really, how quickly i forget that my life’s not a story about me.

thankfully, i worship a God who, on one of the most intense evenings of His life, before His own trial, sat and spoke to Heaven on our behalf. what did He ask for? for us to live forever, in the face of His death. for our unity, in His brokenness. for our holiness, as He took our burdens. for us to know true, deep love, even as we desired nothing to do with Him. (all this can be found in john 17)

because of my less-than-glamorous-God who jumped on a tree, i don’t have to fight to prove my own importance. we don’t have to shout our own songs, and deafen each others’ stories. i don’t have to fight to assure my worth or value.

so, tonight, i sit back to face a bright orange moon, reflecting off the water like a zillion little diamonds. i am, again, stunned at this beautiful story that is unfolding within, but more importantly, all around me. 

after all, this whole thing is best when i take the background and He leads.

currently listening to: background by lecrae and andy mineo.

counting blessings in the back and forth

            It was a cool, quiet evening. My belly full of delicious injera and all types of lentils. My heart being filled with sweet words from friends. I was recalling the kindness I have experienced, that has not let up, in spite of my silly defiance. I was packing my bags full of gifts for the ones I love. I couldn’t sleep. I was excited, repentant, grateful, and looking at a video of a little boy jumping into his daddy’s arms over and over.

            The hours turned to morning, and my sweet friend, Jen, and I met at the airport to make our way home. I was blessed with conversation I will cherish, and evening of laughter, delirium, great food, and prayer in London. No sleep.
            Soon enough, I was home, for the first time in a year. Fire up the grill, sisters and brothers laughing, friends frisbee-ing, blueberries, cut a twelve inch ponytail off my head, nice long trail runs along the lake, and lightning bugs.

            I had some precious Daddy time, which, even at twenty-four is not lost on me. Dad was finally introduced to my boyfriend, Menchie. Unfortunately, later, Jess explained to me that Menchie is a girl.

            I had a four hour drive to Omari and Jess’ new home in Atlanta. We ate, listened to each others’ stories, explored, and ate some more. Glory. After another longer drive, I found myself in the sunshine state, giggling with Tampa family, going for bike rides to drink horchata, rowing the river Hillsborough, eating tacos from a bus, playing with some of the cutest babies ever, sharing with the most incredible high school-now-college friends, and enjoying the Bayshore. I also got to share in the delight that is… Legoland! (Which I highly recommend, whether or not you have kids.) Whole cities made out of Legos, people! A Lego safari- yes, giraffes and elephants made ENTIRELY from Legos! There are even roller coasters, which, as I was informed later, are kiddie coasters, but you TOTALLY can’t tell. End endorsement for Legoland…pure delight.

            My time in Florida culminated with some quick visits with the Price family. The little time we had was filled with catching up, remembering my Aunt Wendy, real talk, and (surprise, surprise!) good food. So thankful for family.

            After a quick adventure in Chicago, and a not-so-quick plane ride, I got to hug my dear friend, Niamh, and spend a week in Ireland with her family. A week before I moved to Dar, Niamh’s amazing Dad, Joe, passed away suddenly. It was an honor to spend time withtheir family, hear stories, share joy and pain. We also got to frolick through castles, jump on trampolines, and I had the distinct pleasure of a week of straight sleepovers with one of my best friends.

            Back in Nashville, I got to enjoy simple rest, late night conversations with my Mama, early morning conversations with my Dad, delicious green spinach salads, precious time with girlfriends, a surprise visit from sister-girls!, glowstick frisbee, sharing stories from the past year with various people, including the congregation I grew up in, loving on our friends without homes via Peoplelovingnashville, and Mat Kearney with the windows down and sunroof open. It’s the little things.

            But soon enough, Jess and I found ourselves running around Target with a cart full of crayons, stickers, and other random things I know the sweet babes at Kurasini will enjoy. I caught Andrew praying a prayer thanking God for our time together and asking Him to keep me safe, and keep working. This time was enjoyed so SO quickly. I remembered myself in a similar position a year ago, except I had no idea what was ahead…

            I just thought I was giving up everything- my loving family, sweet relationships/friendships, a job with the most marvelous kids around, coaching a nationally competitive team of incredible high school girls, community, comfort…the list goes on.

            Pause here. Because on top of the giving up, there has been intense loss. Do you remember Daddy O’Toole, Grandma, Aunt Wendy, Baby Monica, or Baby Christian? It’s hard to forget an evening in which sweet Mary was medevac-ed to South Africa, and I skyped my family looking like a monster. There are butterflies here, and ice cream is available, but the power still goes off unexpectedly, and there are still centipede friends who come to visit me when I’m brushing my teeth.

            But oh, what I’ve gained. Family who love well from ten thousand miles away, and friends who are going to Him on my behalf daily. New family who invite, inspire, and encourage. A job in which I am constantly being stretched, learning, and growing. Friendships with sweet Gifti and the Sala Sala kids, laughter (or lessons on patience) when things don’t go as we expect they should, middle and high school friends who are relentless in a game of four square or football. Conversations with deadly bugs. A compassion and passion for the fatherless and forgotten. Sunday afternoons with kids who can’t wait to hear the words “Nukupenda sana”, “I love you so much”, roll off the lips of those who can’t wait to see their beautiful faces.

            This is just the start of it. The funny thing is, when I think I’ve given it all to my King, He, in this amazing way, gives me more than I could ever imagine possible. It’s not like He hasn’t done this before… why don’t I expect it? And so I pack my bags, and remind myself to expect His goodness. Already I am experiencing more loss, as a woman who held me as a baby and made sure I new I was “magnificent” has been told she has only months left on this earth, and as I read a message from Erin, letting me know that wonderful Ame, our friend with very special needs at Kurasini, has gone home to be with Jesus. I know the same is true of a very sweet and special student from HOPAC. I miss my family and friends. I wonder why three homes are all so far. At all this (and the delirium) I sob for a while, ask Him what’s up, and then He reminds me that He is good. Even when so much is in question, and so much looks uncertain, His goodness is tried and true. Unfailing.

            It is a cool, windy evening, and I am looking out, once again, onto the Indian Ocean. Ah, hello conversations in Swahili, stand still traffic for no reason, East African sunrise … I am once again delirious, excited, repentant, grateful… I am watching a video over and over again of a boy, bound to a wheelchair, being fed ice cream. He is now dancing with Jesus. A large tribe of children, their parents, a new friend, and I have already gone to work, painting the fingers and toes of every child in Kurasini (yes, boys included… :)), blowing bubbles, and giggling. I have already been the joyful recipient of late night heart to hearts, loads of laughter, and windy bajaj rides…

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
    His faithful love endures forever. (psalm 107)

**For my praying friends, as a new school year begins, please pray for the family of Mekdes, a HOPAC student who passed away this summer, and for Ame’s friends and the workers at Kurasini. Please pray for me as I begin teaching Art and P.E. full time. Please pray for the ministry of YoungLife and the hearts of teenagers in Tanzania.
And thank you, for the great work you’ve been doing in prayer the past year! Your work is invaluable, and is not forgotten…